Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
