Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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