if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
