Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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