I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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