dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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