I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
