My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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