In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
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I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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