that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
