so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
