Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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