Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
