apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
