Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Who died my cat blue again?
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