Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
