I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
