I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
