I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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