well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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