I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
