one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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