I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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