He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I touched a dick in church today
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
