I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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