i think i have two assholes
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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