I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
