dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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