Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I looked at my own cervix.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am available for nakedness
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
