mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize