I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
