I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
