Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
