i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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