Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
