I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
