Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
