Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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