woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Houston, we have a blender
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
