Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
