I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
