Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
