Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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