Someone shit on the floor
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
