Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
