did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
