I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
