my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize