dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
