He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
