My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
