She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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