I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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