the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
