did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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