I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
